Decision to Serve

My decision wasn't made easily.

I didn't have one of those "AH-HA" moments.

Serving a mission actually wasn't always something I wanted to origionally do.

Speaking totally honestly, I was pretty sure I would get married before I would ever even consider leaving on a mission. When the mission age changed I felt like it was something I could consider in my long list of options, but it was number 10 on a list of 10 things to do after high school.

I had felt the greatest spiritual prompting to this date when President Monson announced the age change, so I thought a little more about it but then it resumed it's faithful spot on my list of things to do if all else failed.

The decision kinda came more like an idea.

Like a slow growing desire. An, oh yeah so most of my friends are leaving on a mission, and I think that's something I may want to look more into. It slowly became an idea that seemed like something I really wanted to do.

I went to mission prep when I was sixteen (forced at first, then willingly) where I would always feel good about knocking on doors, teaching people, and coming closer to Christ. I studied Preach My Gospel, I even watched mission call opening videos just for the fun of it.

I had wished everyone had this beautiful gospel, and I felt so abundantly blessed because of it. But, I still felt no major prodding to go. Until I walked out of the hospital after one of my far too many visits there with a feeling of devastation, one that I had come to know oh so well.

It was the same devastation I felt when I failed a test, when I was told that my senior year wouldn't be as normal as I thought, it was that devastation I felt when they are out of my favorite flavor of ice cream. Ya know, that feeling that is totally unexpected and hurts your heart more than you anticipated.  

This devastating feeling was felt when I realized I might not have the opportunity to a mission anymore. Even though I didn't think I wanted to go, I felt crushed by the thought of not going. Peculiar, hu? I thought so. 

I realized in that moment I wanted to do everything in my small sphere of power to make sure other people didn't feel this same pain. I wanted to make sure everyone would have the opportunity to have this beautiful gospel, and that they could turn to it when everything was going wrong in their life.

So I did what I knew was right. I kept going to mission prep, kept up scripture study, went to the temple, and decided I would figure it out after a semester or two of college. After a long year of waiting, I was officially cleared to serve this last fall! So I prayed and I never did receive an overwhelming prompting to go. To be honest, my junior year I decided that I would move forward in faith in everything. This included my unanswered plea to know if I should serve a mission, so I decided to step forward with faith and do what I knew would FOR SURE bring me happiness.

Now here is where it gets tricky, I submitted my papers before I started college. (I honestly did this so that I could get my call, not get attached to anyone, and be able to leave if I was called and still have a buffer because I couldn't leave till the semester ended even though I wanted to just get out and leave to I couldn't second guess my decision). Plus 120 days seemed super close and exciting!

If you know me personally, then you know decision making is not my strong suit, at all. It could easily take me an hour to decide on a candy in the candy isle of the gas station. True story. So I didn't want to second guess myself, but guess what, I did. I did a lot, we're talking like at least once every. single. day.

After I got my call it sadly didn't get any easier, it actually got far harder than I could have ever anticipated. There was a sweet boy who made me feel a little like staying may be better, there was health problems that arose, there was family issues, and funerals and lots of hard things. But, I stayed firm with my decision.

I pulled a, ya know, "doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith." type of strength and kept going. Last night I laid in my bedroom that I share with Kaley at my parents house and I cried. HARD. I cried because those feelings I know a little too well flooded back and the whole mission thing came back into question.

But of course, I get set apart in a little less than 7 hours and I firmly know that this is what I want to do, even if I am still feeling a little bit unsure of the whole thing. I want to go because I love my Savior so much. I love this gospel, and "if ye have desires to serve God ye are called to the work." So in case you don't know what you want to do after college either, pray. Pray lots about serving a mission because I am positive you will know what to do. I hope you have the courage to accept whatever answer you receive to your earnest plea, and then I truly hope you remember not to doubt that your Heavenly Father loves you and wants what is best for you. 

See you in a short 18 months,
(Hermana) Kristyn Rhoton